I find it amazing, how time could turn things you love to something that eats you up and slowly corrupts you.

Life happens, and it goes on. That’s what I’m trying to say to myself. I have many things that I love ended up being my source of frustration. I used to love learning how to code, doing some calligraphy, enjoying visual arts, but none of them can excite me now. Things changed when you’re an unemployed 24 years old and people asks you what you do for a living. And somehow, “The best job is a well paid hobby” is a joke for me. Don’t take me wrong, I do agree in that message and I even know some of those who has a better life and enjoying it by following that message. But for me, it’s just not working. I’ve got a lot of opportunities where I get the job to do things I love and most of them even pays me more than I expect. But then here comes the problem: does my work really worth this much? I keep on asking myself that question, and keep on trying to polish my skill so I could calm myself down. But it’s NEVER enough.

“If the employer is happy with your work and willing to pay that much, then it’s not a problem!” is maybe what you’re trying to comfort me with. But when I think that my work is a garbage, the idea that I’ve made my employer pay for a garbage made me feel like I’m the worst. It gives me a worse feeling than what I’ve got from getting underpaid.

“Low self-esteem is your problem, mate!” is maybe what’s inside your mind after reading this. Yes, I know that much. Thank you.

That’s why, I think it’s time for me to give up and pull myself away from what I used to love. Giving up is not a bad thing, I believe. As long as it is a strategical give up.

Time will heal, and when I’m done healing I hope I can love them again.